supernatural - rock on

gnomeangel: day 52 - another one down

ok, so i went and saw DOC yesterday. it was an interesting experience. i didn't know how to start, and i felt like all i did was go around in circles and was really vague about things. i surprised myself by getting a little teary as we talked about things. i guess i have a few more things that i've been burying.

i spoke about how i thought i was lazy and she made an interesting point. she said that she didn't see me as lazy as i can be quite driven in other areas of my life. it's more fear than lazy. i don't want to do something because i'm scared of what might happen.

i didn't think much of it at the time, but i was pondering on it this afternoon. i have to hand in a 344 question questionnaire, and it's only five mintues down the road. but today i've been putting it off because i "couldn't be bothered/it's too much effort". i started to think, i wonder if it's got more to do with the fact that i'm scared of what might come of her seeing my questionnaire so i'm delaying and making excuses about handing it in. it seems to resonate with me. so tomorrow i'm *going* to hand it in.

we talked about the goals that i would like to achieve and how i am at a point in my life where i want to conquer these fears and be the person i want. it's going to be a hard road, but it's one i can walk. i just need to be aware of the things that are motivating me at my core. i suspect, and so does DOC, that a lot of it will be fear and control.

i had another mini victory last night. HUBBY made dinner and made rice with it for lunches the next day. while it was tempting to have rice with dinner. i didn't. i ate the yummy chicken stir fry he'd made. i also managed to follow it up with a low-fat vanilla yoghurt instead of something sugar related like i would have in the past.

DOC also pointed out last night that i have a lot of excess in my life. i do things in excess. like eating, spending money, gambling. i hadn't thought of it that way before and when i mentioned it to HUBBY he agreed with her and provided his own example, my hobbies. at the time i didn't agree with him, but as i've thought about it, he's right. i need to start looking at what i'm doing and start to finish things, or at least stick with them. i'm sure DOC and i will delve into it more over the coming weeks.

i have another appointment with her on thursday 22 may. i'm confident that this is a step in the right direction.

starting weight: 116.5kg
current weight: 114.5kg
achievement: -2.0kg
supernatural - clowns or midgets

gnomeangel: day 51 - a milestone

ok, so this hasn't exactly taken off like i had hoped. i think i've been too scared to post here in case it makes it real somehow. but it's gotten to the point where i really want to make some entries here, away from my normal posting place and in a way that i can use for encouragement.

lately i've felt a shift in my thinking. every so often it happens, sometimes i get on board and sometimes i let the opportunity go by. this time i'm trying to make the leap before the train leaves the station.

i'm not happy with some aspects of my life, but i have the power to change them. i think.

i'm trying to cut out carbohydrates after 5pm. awhile back i went to a naturapath who advised that if we weren't doing any exercise in the evenings to not eat carbs. it makes sense - we normally bulk up with high energy food, pasta, rice, bread and potato, and then head to bed. so this way you're burning your fat stores, not adding to them. it's been tricky, but HUBBY and i have done two nights in a row now where we've not eaten carbs after 5pm.

the other thing is cutting out the "junk" food. the obvious stuff that's high in sugar and saturated fats and not much else. so no take out. no non-diet soft drinks. no lollies. you get the picture. it's a little harder to do, but we're getting there.

i was really proud of myself for not succumbing to temptation on the lunch run today and getting something cake like while in the bakery. i was standing there waiting for the sandwich to be made and i was scooping the store out. looking for something that i could use as an excuse to buy crap food. i think one of the main things that held me back was that i was at lunch with a woman from work who is too skinny. she's probably healthy - but she's so skinny. not the kind of skinny i'd like to be, but skinny in a way that helped making me feel guilty about lusting after baked goods.

the third thing. i'm going to see a psychiatrist. i'm scared, embarrassed and desperately trying to convince myself i don't need to go. it's like i have two voices - one telling me i'm ok, and one telling me that deep down i know i need to go. i even rang HUBBY hoping that he would tell me i didn't need to go so i could use that as an excuse to stay home and play online. all credit to him - he told me like it was and said i should go. it's just what i needed to hear.

the road ahead is going to be hard, but if i want to be the person i think i want to be than i need to start putting some effort in. it's not something that's just going to happen.

i'm going to use this journal as a way of charting that course. i need to have a place where i can put the thoughts, feelings and the homework i imagine i'm going to get from the DOC. i also need to start charting my success and my stumbles. it's the only way i'll learn.

thanks for being here.